I really struggled over wether to write this post or not, but I  really feel as if it is important to do so. So here I am in a place of vulnerability.

So often I have found myself resisting and avoiding writing entries that aren’t peppy and upbeat for fear of being judged or pittied, but I started this blog during one of the lowest points of my life and this is my personal journal. When there are days that  I feel like I can’t talk, writing here is therapy for my soul. When I can’t hide the tears and don’t want to shed them in front of my friends and family, I pour them out on the keyboard as I write out my feelings. I felt the need to write this for those that may stumble on this post that are going through a valley of their own and need to know that others have walked the same path and it will be ok if you just trust the Lord.

So often, others pain makes us feel uncomfortable because we don’t know what to say or do for them. I know, I’ve been there. But what I have learned over the last 2 years, is that you don’t always have to say something. More often than not, a listening ear is all people in pain want or need. Or in this case, I just want your eyes If being completely honest, I hate being in a place of vulnerability with most people, with the exception of my husband, family and a few close friends. But what good is there in trying to appear to the world that I have it all together? Because I most certainly  do not! No one does. And the sooner I start accepting that, the sooner God can start using me for his purpose. This pain isn’t for nothing after all.

So here’s the ugly, but honest truth. Over the past few months I have been in such a lonely place in my coping process over the loss of my mom. Well, let’s be truly honest, I have been down right depressed.  It’s something that I never expected 10 months after her passing. There are days that I just don’t want to talk to or be around anyone. I constantly feel a heavy ache in my chest that hurts so bad that I just don’t know if I can take my next breath. A piece of my heart is literally gone. That’s the only way I know how to explain it. If you’ve ever experienced such a close and personal  loss, you know what I’m talking about, I don’t need to explain it to you. Some days are worse than others, but that’s all apart of the process I suppose, however, the last few weeks have been down right bad. My sadness has made me so edgy and cranky causing me to be short with my husband and kids. Which only causes regret and makes things worse. All I have been able to think about is how I feel  inadequate. Nothing I do is good enough. (I know that so many of the feelings I have been experiencing are just Satan trying to tear me up and drag me down.)It takes an effort to go to church and try to sing praises when my heart feels so broken. I try to put on a smile and ignore the lump in my throat. There are times that I just want to let out a good scream.

After a couple of really terrible weeks, I have really felt God’s presence this week.  I have been so busy feeling crippled and paralyzed by my pain and depression, that I was not making room for Him to step in and help me handle and deal with my pain (which is also His pain). The control freak in me, you know, “The girl that has it all together”, was to busy trying to handle it all by herself. Well that certainly got me no where and fast.

While listening to K-love a few weeks ago they had a Women of Faith moment with Patsy Clairmont and she spoke of a time in her life that she was in deep depression. Now if you have ever had the opportunity to go and hear Patsy Clairmont speak, I am sure  you may be thinking the same thing I am, Patsy Clairmont and depression don’t even belong in the same sentence together! I am sure that we would say that about a number of people in our lives if we knew their personal struggles. Anyhow, God used her to speak to my heart (even though I didn’t know it at the time) as she spoke of hitting rock bottom in her journey through her depression to higher ground and how she prayed one night to God that if He would give her the strength to climb out of bed the next morning, she would get up and an effort. When I had a low point one evening last week, all I felt like doing was crying and all I could do was cry out to God and ask Him not to give up on me and then I remembered Patsy’s prayer and I asked Him to do the same for me. Give me the strength to just get out of bed tomorrow and make the best of the day, help me to be kind in my words and be the wife that my husband deserves and the kind of mommy my children deserve. Let me make a conscious effort and give me the strength to accomplish tasks around the house with a good attitude instead of an ungrateful one.  God is faithful and He hears our cries.

O LORD, hear my prayer, listen to my cry for mercy; in your faithfulness and righteousness
come to my relief.

~Psalm 143:1~

The other night I rented this movie from the Redbox. I had wanted to see it when it was in theaters but am glad that I didn’t now and blubbered in the comfort of my own living room. If you have the chance to see this movie, I highly recommend it. It is a powerful story.

At the end of the movie, before the credits this verse was displayed on the screen:

Clearly, you are a letter from Christ showing the result of our ministry among you. This “letter” is written not with pen and ink, but with the Spirit of the Living God. It is carved not on tablets of stone, but on human hearts.

~2 Cor. 3:3~

Wow! That hit me like a ton of bricks! Once again, God knew just what I need. It’s like a love letter, a word of encouragement. The thing that I love most about the Bible is that there are verses that maybe we have seen and read hundreds of time or maybe it’s the first time, but when your spirit is lacking and thirsty, we drink it up  like it’s brand new and was written just for us. That’s the great thing about the Bible, it is living and active (Heb. 4:12)!

There’s not a day that passes that I don’t think of my mom. If I were being completely honest with myself, I probably think about her every 10 seconds. Everything reminds me of her. Especially Joel and Caroline. Even though Caroline, our youngest never got to really know her Mimi, she has learned to say her name and we show her pictures so that she can associate the face that belongs to the special name. Out of nowhere today, Caroline kept saying over and over and over “Mimi! Mimi! Mimi!” to which her very smart and sensitive older brother replied “I’m sorry, Caroline. Mimis not here. She is in Heaven with Jesus.” Joel and I have had many talks, and I know in my heart that he fully understands about Heaven, why Mimi is there and that he will get to go there and be with his Mimi one day if he trusts Jesus with his life and has a personal relationship with Him.

I know that so many of you continue to lift our family up in prayer and I really appreciate that. Thank you for being patient with me in this post and allowing me to share my heart with you.

If you are reading this and are going through your own valley, know that God loves you so much. If I can pray for you I would love to have the opportunity to do that.

And I thought that I would include some of my favorite songs right now that have been such an encouragement.

Also, would you please lift the Ryder Family up in your prayers. Libby is a 26 year old wife and mommy to a 6 month old little girl that was just diagnosed with Nodular Sclerosis Hodgkin’s Lymphoma 2 weeks ago. They need our prayers.

Love in Christ,

Emily

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