Yesterday would have been my moms 50th birthday. So it wasn’t the type of celebration that we are accustomed too but a day that was spent remembering the 49 years that she was here with us. I couldn’t help but think about how on her birthday last year we were in NYC to watch my two younger brothers perform at the national show choir competition. Amazing how drastically things can change in a years time.

I really tried to prepare myself in advance for my mom’s birthday but how do you really prepare? You have no idea what to expect and what you will feel. It’s been a few weeks since I have really had a good cry and yesterday was filled with a couple of them.

After I went to class at the Y, I decided to go ahead and pick up some flowers to take to the cemetery. The kids and I ran into the grocery store and found some really beautiful bright orange garden roses. My mom loved bright colors that reminded her of summer so those were just perfect. We made our way out to the cemetery which I, quite honestly, was not prepared for. Even though mom has been gone for five and a half months, I have not been back to the cemetery since her burial. I just have not been ready to do that. I think its just so hard because the dirt is still just lying there like it was yesterday and we have yet to pick out a headstone. As soon as I got off of the highway I could feel the stinging in my eyes and knew that the tears were beyond my control.

Once we turned into the cemetery, Joel started asking where we were so I tried to explain to him that I was going to take Mimi flowers for her birthday. Then came the innocent but painful, “I want to see Mimi!” We have talked multiple times with Joel about Mimi going to Heaven to live with Jesus and how we can’t see her with our eyes anymore but she is still with him and will always love him. So I told him we were there to visit her but she wasn’t physically there because she is now in Heaven. Joel just looked at me and said “Ok. Well then I need to go there. I want to go to Heaven.” My heart was broken. I wish it was that easy sweet boy! He just kept saying it over and over “I want to go, I want to go.”

It was such a cold, yucky day so the kids ended up staying in the car and I didn’t really stay to long. This is all new to me. What do you do? Since I am a Christian, I know full well, my mom is not there, just her earthly remains. I sat and talked for a few minutes and then just prayed. That’s all that I could think to do, go to God in prayer and ask Him to carry my through and make the hurt not sting so badly and to bless me with something, anything that would remind me of mom. When I climbed into the car, peace instantly washed over me as Christ Tomlins “I Will Rise” came on right then. That was one of the songs that was sang at mom’s Memorial Service.

God is just so good. He meets us in our place of need. To many, they might think that it was a coincidence that something like this would happen. However, I know that God answered my request and was saying I’m here. Your moms here. Listen to my promises and take heart.

However, today was such a happy day as we celebrate my little nephew, Joshua Stephen’s 1st birthday. Isn’t he just so kissable? Like my sister said on her blog today, God knew exactly what he was doing when he sent Joshua to join our family the day after our mom’s birthday. We love you so much J-man and are so thankful for your precious life! You are a blessing to our family.

Happy Birthday Mom and Joshua I love you both so much!

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